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phoenix_mmm_2_4
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Name: Leslie
Gender: Female
Interests: korean entertainment, biology, science, looking for answers.
Expertise: thinking too much
Occupation: Student
Industry: Research
Message: message me
Member Since:
5/4/2003
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| haven't blogged in so long! how's everyone? it's late, and i'm going to sleep soon..=) | | |
| no respect. no logic. that's how i can sum up most ppl i've seen this week.
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| i haven't written here in a long time. i haven't talked much to a lot of ppl for a long time. to be honest, i have no motivation for chit chat with ppl i don't see every day. it's not that i'm becoming antisocial, it's just that i don't feel as social as i used to be. sure, when i'm a large party, i sure do add my voice into the mix, but it's not the same. i'm not the same.
when i was a lil kid, i used to be "wise" for my age. i thought about the future and thought a lot of things through. as i got older, i remained mostly the same. that's until i entered college. once college hit, i turned into a person i never wanted to become. it wasn't permanent, but it was painful. not that i was bad, just really had no faith in myself for accomplishments and was mostly in doubt/denile most of the time. it was a tumultuous time of my life, emotionally speaking. now that i've gotten passed that, i can reflect on the past and sort of figure out where things turned. as a child, i grew up in a social bubble like environment and i knew how to keep myself in it, especially fueled by my naiveness to the complexities of the adult world. i am a keen person, but i chose to pay attention to more objective things and ignored or rationalized on things i didn't fully understood. things such as social stigmatisms, racism, gender issues, etc. i knew of them and knew how subjective they were. in my reasoning, i thought they were wrong, evil (so to speak) and flat out stupid. i thought about these issues and others a lot, but i was young, and i had very little experience with the world in those respects then. i guess u can say i was lucky to have grown up without facing much prejudices. perhaps i ignored and chose to prove those prejudices wrong by living my life to wuh i saw to be fit and good. i tried my best.
by the time i was almost nineteen, i had become very jaded with the world. finally couldn't ignore things in the world that really bothered me and i felt that i couldn't change it or change myself. i was lazy, unenthusiastic, disappointed in many things. things i didn't realize previously suddenly became so blatant. i had very little patients with myself then, and with other ppl. i had so many out bursts of my saddness and dissatisfactions. i had become an alienating presence to many ppl, esp. to some who were very close to me. that part of my life ran its course for a good 2 years. where was the wise child then? there was never wisdom to begin with when i was so young and hadn't had enough life experiences for me to develop it. i was simply a very optimistic child and with a good heart. now that i'm an adult, i can truly say i still have a good heart, just that i lack the optimism.
if anything, i can say that i am relatively deficient in optimism, hope, and wonder. i hardly wonder anymore -- about the world, about others, about myself. there was however, that brief period of time (that lasted one year, perhaps) right when my "depression" was waning that i was quite charged with being alive again. and coincidentally, i soon met the love of my life. our love made us both better persons and further dragged us out of our gloom. we're still very happy with each other. but most of the time, when i'm by myself, i feel and think about nothing much. i live my life as it goes by. i have a job and pay bills. i don't think much about the future. sure i think about my bf and family, but it's reflexive. the one thing i think about everyday is my dad, but i don't think about him with sadness. i think about him with "why?". WHY. everyday, i think why? why so soon? why not let him stay in this world longer? where is he now? why not my mom?
the situation at home with my mom is quiet. there's very little communication with her. there's no common topic. nothing real to say to each other. how do u love someone like her? she doesn't love us either. we'll always take care of her, of course , but probably never love her. i did love my mom when i was a child. but i was also naive. i have to be honest to myself. i know too much now. our father was the glue to this "family". now it's truly fractured, although i'm the "new glue". does it bother me? sometimes. i don't really miss my dad. i've let him go. i respect that he left peacefully. but it was so soon. i had just graduated. i wasn't home most of the time during the last year of his life. but i really wish he was still around now. he was a really great guy, and i hardly knew him. he hardly knew me.
it's been a long time since i've written here or any where. it's good to get things out of the mind sometimes.
PS: i can drive his big car now. getting better at parking it.
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| i think about my dad everyday - the good things and the bad things. i can remember wuh he looks like and wuh he'd used to do around the house. i can remember how he drove his big suv or made a face when he was thinking. i miss him but i've also let him go. i wonder where he is now and if he is around some where. we visited him last Sunday to see if the place he's staying now is warm enough during the winter. it's neither hot nor cold, just mildly warm, which isn't so bad. we should visit him more often. i finally passed my road test, on my second try. so now i am one step closer to being able to drive his car. we're keeping it because it is one of the few legacies he left behind. i can drive a small car well, but his big car has so much mometum and i'm not used to it yet. i'll have to practice. i hope i don't scratch his car. i always think about how my dad used to drive when i'm driving. he was one of the best drivers that i knew. i'll take some time until i perfect my breaking skills.
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